UNDER SECRET SURVEILLANCE

I was exhausted.... our family had been traveling for over two weeks... and had just gotten home late the night before...The phone rang. It was a woman who attended the same church we did and she wanted to come over and visit.  I didn't know her that well...and...I didn't want to hurt her feelings...but, more than that, I was NOT IN THE MOOD FOR COMPANY.  So..I made up a story about something or other that I was doing.  I can't remember why I thought a lie was necessary. Anyway..she completely understood, said we'd do it another day, and that was that.  Except.. that.. when I turned around, my eight-year-old son was standing there and he said, "Mom, you just lied to her."

My first reaction, after being caught red-handed was to explain it away. To tell my son ANOTHER lie about the FIRST lie.  To just brush it off. But, I looked in his eyes...and...something inside me knew it was an important moment. So I said, "You're right.  I did." And I picked up the phone and called the woman back and told her the truth and apologized to her for lying to her... I apologized and my son watched me do it.  This did not go down easy.  She was offended.  I was embarrassed.  I wish I had just told the truth... because undoing the lying was more painful than telling the truth in the first place. I remembered that day that I am living my life under secret surveillance.  It wasn't just my son who saw me lie that day.  The Lord SAW. The LORD SEES.  This is a good thing to remember when someone is being unkind to you.  This is a good thing to remember when you want to be unkind to someone.  God SEES it all.   The way you treat your children when no one is around - God SEES.  The way you treat your husband - God SEES.  The way your husband treats you - God SEES.  God SEES every thing you do. God SEES every thought you think. God SEES every motive you have.  You are not alone.  You are not in control.  You have to answer to Someone. Every person alive has to answer to Someone.  His name is God.  You are under not-so-secret surveillance.  He plainly tells us all that HE IS WATCHING... so.. today.. Live accordingly.

"The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good." Proverbs 15:3

INCOM-MAC-ABLE

"This page is not compatible with Macs" is what the webpage said.  And that was it. End of story. 
I use a Mac Book Pro.  I am beginning an eight week Bible study for women tonight, and I am planning on using my limited musical skills to lead the women in a song of worship before the study. So I went online to visit a webpage that has a sample of the song - to be sure I was singing the right words and playing the correct chords - and it had that message on the page.  And so, if I want to hear the song, I have to change my computer. Period. End of story.  A Mac is not a PC. Period. So I could whine about how unfair it is.. but it doesn't change the facts.  Unless I use a PC, I ain't hearing that song. I don't get mad at my MAC.  I don't want it to be a PC. Nope.  I just have to find another way to hear the song.  

And in the same way, A MAN IS NOT A WOMAN.   Yes. This is so ridiculously obvious that it may seem that I don't have anything to write about today. But many of us forget this. WE ARE DIFFERENT.  We are.  We were created that way. The reason your husband thinks differently, sees situations in a different light, cares about different things you do sometimes is not a MISTAKE. It's the way GOD CREATED marriage.  What's a woman to do?  Pray.  The Holy Spirit knows the heart of every man and every woman.  When you pray, He can reveal YOUR heart to YOUR husband, and YOUR husband's heart to you.  I don't know how two people can truly communicate in a heart-to-heart way without the One who guides us in to ALL TRUTH.

I cannot change my MAC in to a PC anymore than I can change my husband in to a woman.  And why would I want to?  So today, when you don't feel understood... tell the Lord.  And ask for the Holy Spirit to explain your heart to your husband's heart.  And then.....wait for God to work. The waiting part is the challenge.. I will caution you.. but He does speak.  And when HE SPEAKS... everyone listens.
In the meantime, my MAC is still a MAC..... and my MAN is STILL A MAN. And I want them both to stay exactly the way they were created.

Love you,
Mrs. Older.

I said "Older", not "Perfect'

You may be wondering  what makes me think I have the credentials to be telling any wife what to do about anything.  Especially if you knew that many of my friends ask me to be the entertainment at their gatherings.. telling stories of stuff I've done. I have WITHOUT A DOUBT -  THE MOST EMBARRASSING  real life Bloopers.  Really..... huge... BLOOPERS.  
Someday, maybe I'll tell you about them.  Like the time.. I was speaking at church.... and my husband introduced me.. and my skirt almost fell off as I walked to the front.. I was ONE SNAP AWAY FROM utter humiliation.. .  I am a klutz!  AFTER... when it's over.. then it's funny.  Except that..well, sometimes they STAY embarrassing forever...Like the time I was invited to speak at a church's women's conference.. and I congratulated the pastor's wife in front of nine hundred women - for being pregnant... except....she wasn't pregnant.. she had gained a lot of weight since I'd last seen her.  I feel SO bad that I embarrassed her.
So yes.. I've made my share of mistakes... and I'm still making them.   However, I do love the Lord.  And though my imperfection is clear.. His love for me is clearer...

But... one day...when I wasn't expecting it -  the Lord reminded me that The Bible clearly.. CLEARLY AND EMPHATICALLY instructs the OLDER women in the Body of Christ to TEACH THE YOUNGER ONES... to love their husbands and their families.
.  
Furthermore, while we've been wringing our hands over the demise of the family... even in The Church...He reminded me that HIS SIMPLE PLAN - HIS SIMPLE AND VASTLY IGNORED AND OVERLOOKED PLAN...
 to protect the Family is that OLDER WOMEN WOULD LOVE AND TEACH THE YOUNGER.  
We have not fully grasped that simple truth. 
Many "Mrs.Olders" have abdicated our call from God.   Maybe because we don't feel qualified.  Maybe because no one wants to listen. MAYBE BECAUSE WE'VE become a society that requires "experts" to teach us. 
 But obedience is doing what I'm supposed to do simply because I'm supposed to do it.   And so..for me..... it came down to a simple act of obeying God - OBEYING EVERY SCRIPTURE.  I am obeying God.  Not just by writing a blog.  But by taking seriously my CALL from God to love younger women and teach them some simple things I know now.. Like..
-some things you think are no big deal - like words you say or don't say - can end up being the big deal that does you in.  

And some things are worth fighting FOR but most things are not worth fighting OVER.

My husband of 42 and 1/2 years bought me a wall hanging this week.. I love it.
It says,

"God doesn't call the qualified.  He qualifies the called."

I feel called...to be obedient.
PLEASE CONSIDER BECOMING A MEMBER OF THIS PAGE... OR.. SIGNING UP FOR EMAIL MEMBERSHIP.  (I have MORE email members than PAGE members..Anyway.. it's easy to sign up for email alerts.. completely anonymous... and.. private. Click on the tab at the top of the page that says.. "FOLLOW BY email.")
I cherish the comments you post because they are as important as anything I write. 
Love you,
Mrs. Older 

"Know what I like about you?" 
So...it was about a year ago..and one day for some reason I said that sentence to my husband.  He stopped what he was doing and looked at me and I said, "You always smell so good."  Because I love the smell of his cologne. I do. And he smiled.  He was surprised.  And he said something back to me.   And it started a simple habit between us - something new after all these years.  We will, from time to time say, "Know what I like about you....?" and we fill in the blank.
So.. I wrote an article about  about how we do that.. and... lo and behold.. it was reprinted lots of other places. Three newspaper columnists in three U.S. cities wrote a column about my article.. Who knew??   
AND.. I got a mazillion positive emails about it from a mazillion readers... Maybe two mazillion.   
Try it. It will make a HUGE difference in your heart and his.  Life is hard for husbands, too. Right now, after you read this.. try it.  Turn to him and say, "Know what I like about you?" and then tell him something real and truthful.  (If he isn't home, pick up the phone and call him.)

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up. Proverbs 12:25

The other day..... I wrote about a woman who sent me an email to say that  she and her husband were "going through the motions" in her marriage.  The feelings were gone.  I wrote that Jesus said to a church who was dead to "do the things you did at first".  And that it's great wisdom for ANY relationship.   Here are two comments from readers.  Leave your comments about their comments if you want to. Thanks.

FROM "Blessed" Feb 23, 2012 06:30 AM
Making the time to "date" your husband is very important. Hanging on his every word, complimenting who he is daily, being affectionate, all things that I did when we first started out but changed when the children came into the picture. My babies became most important and I guess I felt it was good because he would be proud of what a great mom I was. (After all I was "just" a stay home mom and if that was my identity I was going to be the best at it) In trying to be supermom I made him feel inadequate in the area of parenting, so he backed off and allowed me to do it all. This became exhausting and I became resentful as he became more disconnected and less helpful. I began to see him as a burden, someone else I needed to take care of. He felt that. He felt disrespected and unloved even though I was doing his laundry, making his meals,cleaning up after him, raising his children...you get the picture. It wasn't long before I was faced with the reality of an affair he was having with a woman who made him feel capable, needed, important..like a man. In no way do I take any responsibility for his actions. He made a destructive choice that almost did our family in. However, I learned very quickly the importance of making sure that your husband knows that he is respected by you, loved by you, needed by you. I dropped some of the kids activities and simplified our lives and you know what, we were all happier. We began talking again, dating again and I ,well, am still learning not to micromanage. It's ok that it isnt done perfectly because its done and I dont have to worry about it. (He honestly didn't help because he felt it wasn't good enough so why try. this was a surprise to me..really.) I am through the pain of that, after 4 years, but it is work not to go back to old habits or attitudes. It's daily making an effort to listen to each other, thank each other, helping each other, enjoying each other and our family together. Prayer!!!! If it weren't for God's hand because of prayer we never would have made it. God's hand in every detail still leaves me amazed. I have stories! We know refer to ourselves as "heavy weights" when we think of all we've been through.(We had health issues that were also taking place during this time plus loss of several friends..it was a crazy 4 years) He is my best friend,my lover, my partner in this life and my kids are happier having two imperfect parents than having one supermom.

AnonymousFeb 22, 2012 04:47 PM
 
So true! I'm right there many days with this woman. The problem isn't even that my husband isn't doing nice things for me and showing interest in me. The problem is I'm exhausted and all I really want him to do is take some of the "mothering" burden off of me. I sometimes see him as someone else on my list of people who "need" something from me and some days I just don't have anything else to dish out. That being said, I am trying on a new attitude. I certainly don't want some other woman stepping in to my shoes, and I'm certainly not naive enough to know that it can't happen. So, I am putting on a smile, telling him I love and appreciate him and finding the energy to be the wife I used to be. I needed this reminder of "doing the things you did at first". I mean, I loved doing this mans laundry. I loved cooking for him. I loved anything I could do to show him I loved him. I really needed this reminder today! Keep it coming.


And so......we grow.......we learn........we call out to Jesus......and He helps us when we call.
Love you,

Mrs. Older

He was the ultimate male. Stronger than any other man alive.   
Conqueror of Evil. Defender of the Good. OK, he also had a penchant for prostitutes which caused his parents great grief.. but.. he was a Champion of Champions. If he had lived today, he would definitely have had an agent, a book deal, his own TV reality show. A couple of billion dollars in the bank.   Everyone would have been a fan of Samson.  From his birth, God had a specific plan for Samson. God chose Samson to defeat His enemies.  What an honor. Unfortunately for Samson, he became a fan of Delilah's. And she was no fan of Samson's.  We know the story.  His enemies wanted to know the secret of his strength and they used his desire for Delilah to get it.

Why would a man stay with a woman who has shown that her main goal is to get him to give up his God-given strength?  Why would a man decide to give up God's powerful plan for his life just to please a woman?
I always assumed it was Delilah's intoxicating beauty that got to Samson. But NO that is not accurate.  The Bible tells us  "Delilah started nagging and pestering him day after day, until he couldn't stand it any longer."  DELILAH WAS A NAG !  After a while, a woman can twist a man's mind so much that Delilah actually had the NERVE to say to Samson, "How can you say you love me and not tell me the secret of your strength?"... Hello? Samson? Wake up.  The woman just tried to kill you twice.  But Samson was in a trance.  He couldn't see Delilah for who she really was.  Delilah was counting on that. 
At the core of Delilah's nagging was the desire to get her own way.   Sound familiar? She didn't really care what she was doing to Samson - as long as SHE GOT HER WAY! It was because Samson wanted to BE WITH DELILAH that her nagging got the result she wanted.

And so it is with us.. dear wives... WE OFTEN WANT OUR OWN WAY .. and we nag and we nag and we nag until we get it.. 
And our husbands... who want to be with us and have a happy family.......and because we WILL NOT STOP NAGGING.....eventually give in... do what we want........and we think we've won. But we have not won a thing. All we have is a man who has given up his God-given strength to please us. And what we really needed, what we really craved was a man whose main desire is to please God. And to do God's will. And to be God's man. And to make the will of God more important than the will of anyone else.....even his nagging wife.  And time after time, you will meet these Delilah's.......and rather than being happy about wearing their husbands down - and getting them to do what they want all the time.... they are the most frustrated and unhappy women alive.
We are all Delilah's to some degree.  We all want what we want when we want it.  But sometimes, God steps in and speaks to us.  And some of us listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit as He speaks.  And we understand that our greatest joy will be when we allow our husbands to be the man that GOD created in HIS image.  And we stop trying to create our husbands in OUR image.
 "LOVE.... does not demand its own way." 
So, here's the challenge.  For JUST ONE DAY.. JUST FOR TODAY... don't require everyone around you to do everything you want every time you want it.  For JUST ONE DAY... see what happens when you give up control of your husband to your husband and His God.  Nagging works......but.......not the way you want it to. 

Love you,
Mrs. Older.
P.S. Your emails are wonderful. PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ THE COMMENTS THAT WOMEN ARE LEAVING... THEY ARE SO WISE.   Also... if you would take the time to comment here.. then a CONVERSATION would begin.  You can post anonymously.  My email address is
"awordtothewives@gmail.com"

Her email says, "We've grown apart. I know that's such a cliche thing to say but it's the question I have for Mrs. Older.  We aren't unhappy with each other, just uninvolved. Life is too busy for us to have time for each other, and now, I feel closer to some of my friends than I do to my husband. We have a marriage, but really we are just going through the motions.  The heart of it isn't there anymore." 

To the older marrieds reading this, what advice would you give her?  Have you had seasons in your marriage where you felt distant from your husband?  What did you do? 
Please add a comment below. You can remain anonymous.  (UPDATE: THANK YOU .. we are getting comments... read them below.  Post one yourself)

My answer is a simple one.. and Jesus gave it to me and you.  Jesus doesn't settle for a "going-through-the-motions" relationship and He doesn't want you to either.  
He was talking to a church that was "going through the motions" and He was explaining to those people that He wants white hot love from His followers, not luke-warm love.  

 And the interesting thing and the genius advice He gives is this, "Do the things you did at first."   Evidently, He was saying that when you do the things you DID at first... you will FEEL the things you FELT at first.  His advice to them about His relationship with them is advice for any relationship in which LOVE is the foundation.

IT'S TRUE that when children arrive, pressures of life arrive, exhaustion arrives, responsibilities arrive...just getting through the day is victory enough.  But.. let me tell you something you've heard before.  SOME DAY THE KIDS WILL BE GROWN AND GONE.
Your marriage will be there forever.

Today.. just take some time to think about what you did "at first".  And don't concentrate on what HE did at first, and what HE isn't doing anymore. Though I'm sure you could make a long list if you tried.
But...  Just for today.. think about how YOU were in the beginning.... it doesn't cost a thing to THINK about how you were. Were you a better listener?  Did you complain less? Did you care about your appearance more?

And please... take the time to comment.
Love you,
Mrs. Older

 Oh.. I get it.. this is how it's gonna be? 
I'm new to Blogspot....and.... some people have joined publicly and some of you are getting email updates of the words as I post them.  Only members can post comments here.. 
 UPDATE:  I'VE HEARD FROM QUITE  A FEW OF YOU WHO TRIED TO JOIN AND HAD SOME GLITCHES.  I am not sure why.... SO I AM GOING TO OPEN THE COMMENTS TO ANY READER.  SO POST YOUR COMMENTS BELOW..

THANKS.and I think that would be great for discussion.. especially older and younger women.. so please consider joining the conversations and being a member of this page.... BUT IN THE MEANTIME....I have gotten some emails 

 
 You may also send me an email at:


                                awordtothewives@gmail.com 




  And tomorrow I am going to post some questions and comments from the already considerable crowd of readers.  How fun Blogspot is.  How fun my readers are. Who knew?

This guy was HILARIOUS.  Must have been a stand up comedian on the weekends.  You know, when he wasn't being a guy in the Bible trying to comfort his wife - who had been trying to have a baby for years and couldn't conceive. And so he feels bad and wants to comfort her by asking these HILARIOUS questions. Obviously he was trying to get her to laugh when he says, "Why are you crying?"  We women just LOVE when we are crying and our husbands don't have a clue why we're crying, don't we?  Surely it got her in a good mood IMMEDIATELY.. and then.... the punch line.... "Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"  WOW....Can't you see her just laughing, and laughing and laughing? He couldn't have been serious.. right?  He was kidding, right? Right?

Well... fast forward a couple thousand years to a married man whose name is not important, but he was ready to walk out on his wife of nineteen years.. and had come to speak to my husband, his pastor, about his reasons why.  His wife was there so I was too.   Of course there is hardly ever a good reason to leave your wife.. but I found it interesting that he said something similar to what the guy in the Bible said, "I love my kids and my wife is a great mother... but sometimes she needs to remember that she is also somebody's wife. I feel like all I am is an extra arm to help her with the kids,  a paycheck to help her feed and clothe them."  His wife said something close to, "Oh, please. Stop whining."  But eventually..........she admitted to me that she started to see that all her focus was on the children and the only time she focused on her husband was to ask him to help her with the children.

Of course......maybe the guy in the Bible wasn't kidding around.  Maybe some men don't really get the whole being-a-mommy thing.  Maybe he actually believed that he meant more to her than having ten sons.  WAS HE WRONG FOR BELIEVING THAT? Does a man have to take a back seat to children?  Should he?

What do you think? 

It takes a women full of wisdom of the Holy Spirit, a woman on her knees in prayer, to know when she needs to be a wife, when she needs to be a mother and
how she can figure out how to be both.

I welcome your comments. Please become a member of the page and share your wisdom with us.
Love you,
"Mrs. Older"

Portable Phones 
are really good except when you forget to hang them back up at their base.  This is not good for two reasons.  1- Because they run out of power and then you can't use them; 2- Because you never know where they are.
I rarely - ok - never hang the portable phones up.  If you could see the scene when you happen to call our home, it would be of me running from room to room trying to follow the sound of the phones ringing.  If I happen to find the phone before our answering machine picks up the call - we talk. 
I never understood that someone must be hanging the phone up because the phones never run out of battery power.   I knew it wasn't me.. but I never actually took the time to think "Wow, my husband is taking care of the portable phones situation."  It's such a small part of my existence... until..he went out of town for a few days.  A day or two after he left, all the portable phones were dead. It wasn't a big deal until I couldn't use the phones anymore.  I didn't notice someone was taking care of me until they weren't around anymore. 



This isn't rocket science theology you're reading but who needs rocket science unless you plan to be in a rocket?  

This is simple truth - don't wait until something isn't working until you understand how wonderful it is to have it. A marriage is destroyed one day at a time, one word at a time, one missed opportunity to say "thank you" at a time. 

Ultimately, it is God who is blessing us - whether we acknowledge it or not.
I have learned to ask God if He would be kind enough to help me to NOTICE the blessings He has given me.  It's a simple prayer.. and He answers it.   I have asked Him to help me have a thankful heart.

It's better to go through life with a thankful heart than a CRANKY ONE...


If you are a member, leave a comment. If you want to comment become a member.
Love you
Mrs. Older. 
"The sacrifice that honors me is a thankful heart." - God

I'm an author. Or.. maybe I'm a writer. I write magazine articles. I have a monthly column. My target audience is primarily married women between the ages of 25-50.  These women are, for the most part, "churched" women.  Christian women.  The circulation for these magazines I write for is a couple of hundred thousand readers per month.  And as a result I get emails.  Boy do I get emails.


Most of these emails are questions about being married.  Being a wife.  Being a mother.  Being a Christian wife and mother.  How does a woman's faith affect her family?  Does it?

And in recent months, some of my readers have asked for a place they can go on a more regular basis and talk about being a wife... mother... follower.

And because I have.. somehow... been married for over 42 years to the same man I married when I was still a teenager....I have become an "expert."  Be warned.  This site will talk about being married from a religiously colored viewpoint, but it will not be religious or stuffy.

It will be my perspective  - and I have been told my writing style evokes laughter.  Hopefully it means I can write in a humorous way.. rather than my writing is so poor it makes people laugh.

Final warning... I am a recovering...............dot addict.  I am trying. So if the dots annoy you, have mercy. I am in dot recovery.