Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Her email says, "We've grown apart. I know that's such a cliche thing to say but it's the question I have for Mrs. Older.  We aren't unhappy with each other, just uninvolved. Life is too busy for us to have time for each other, and now, I feel closer to some of my friends than I do to my husband. We have a marriage, but really we are just going through the motions.  The heart of it isn't there anymore." 

To the older marrieds reading this, what advice would you give her?  Have you had seasons in your marriage where you felt distant from your husband?  What did you do? 
Please add a comment below. You can remain anonymous.  (UPDATE: THANK YOU .. we are getting comments... read them below.  Post one yourself)

My answer is a simple one.. and Jesus gave it to me and you.  Jesus doesn't settle for a "going-through-the-motions" relationship and He doesn't want you to either.  
He was talking to a church that was "going through the motions" and He was explaining to those people that He wants white hot love from His followers, not luke-warm love.  

 And the interesting thing and the genius advice He gives is this, "Do the things you did at first."   Evidently, He was saying that when you do the things you DID at first... you will FEEL the things you FELT at first.  His advice to them about His relationship with them is advice for any relationship in which LOVE is the foundation.

IT'S TRUE that when children arrive, pressures of life arrive, exhaustion arrives, responsibilities arrive...just getting through the day is victory enough.  But.. let me tell you something you've heard before.  SOME DAY THE KIDS WILL BE GROWN AND GONE.
Your marriage will be there forever.

Today.. just take some time to think about what you did "at first".  And don't concentrate on what HE did at first, and what HE isn't doing anymore. Though I'm sure you could make a long list if you tried.
But...  Just for today.. think about how YOU were in the beginning.... it doesn't cost a thing to THINK about how you were. Were you a better listener?  Did you complain less? Did you care about your appearance more?

And please... take the time to comment.
Love you,
Mrs. Older


  1. Thank you. I needed to read this today.

  2. Thank you for doing this. My friend told me to read this and i am grateful that she did. It helps.

  3. So true! I'm right there many days with this woman. The problem isn't even that my husband isn't doing nice things for me and showing interest in me. The problem is I'm exhausted and all I really want him to do is take some of the "mothering" burden off of me. I sometimes see him as someone else on my list of people who "need" something from me and some days I just don't have anything else to dish out. That being said, I am trying on a new attitude. I certainly don't want some other woman stepping in to my shoes, and I'm certainly not naive enough to know that it can't happen. So, I am putting on a smile, telling him I love and appreciate him and finding the energy to be the wife I used to be. I needed this reminder of "doing the things you did at first". I mean, I loved doing this mans laundry. I loved cooking for him. I loved anything I could do to show him I loved him. I really needed this reminder today! Keep it coming.

  4. Making the time to "date" your husband is very important. Hanging on his every word, complimenting who he is daily, being affectionate, all things that I did when we first started out but changed when the children came into the picture. My babies became most important and I guess I felt it was good because he would be proud of what a great mom I was. (After all I was "just" a stay home mom and if that was my identity I was going to be the best at it) In trying to be supermom I made him feel inadequate in the area of parenting, so he backed off and allowed me to do it all. This became exhausting and I became resentful as he became more disconnected and less helpful. I began to see him as a burden, someone else I needed to take care of. He felt that. He felt disrespected and unloved even though I was doing his laundry, making his meals,cleaning up after him, raising his get the picture. It wasn't long before I was faced with the reality of an affair he was having with a woman who made him feel capable, needed, a man. In no way do I take any responsibility for his actions. He made a destructive choice that almost did our family in. However, I learned very quickly the importance of making sure that your husband knows that he is respected by you, loved by you, needed by you. I dropped some of the kids activities and simplified our lives and you know what, we were all happier. We began talking again, dating again and I ,well, am still learning not to micromanage. It's ok that it isnt done perfectly because its done and I dont have to worry about it. (He honestly didn't help because he felt it wasn't good enough so why try. this was a surprise to me..really.) I am through the pain of that, after 4 years, but it is work not to go back to old habits or attitudes. It's daily making an effort to listen to each other, thank each other, helping each other, enjoying each other and our family together. Prayer!!!! If it weren't for God's hand because of prayer we never would have made it. God's hand in every detail still leaves me amazed. I have stories! We know refer to ourselves as "heavy weights" when we think of all we've been through.(We had health issues that were also taking place during this time plus loss of several was a crazy 4 years) He is my best friend,my lover, my partner in this life and my kids are happier having two imperfect parents than having one supermom.

    1. Thank you for posting this. I may reprint it as a blog in the next day or two. If that's ok with you.