Sunday, November 11, 2018

WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LIVES ON ANOTHER PLANET - PART THREE


Next month, through the miraculous mercy of God on two people who had no clue how to be married, Mr. Older and I will be celebrating forty-nine years of marriage. If you add the years we've been married to the three years we dated as high school sweethearts it is 78.79% of my life so far.
Furthermore, after all these years, we still like to be around each other more than we like to be around any other people.  It's a miracle... 

You may be assuming that Mr. Older and I were just fortunate enough to come from the same planet and instantly knew how to communicate. 
WRONG! Here are some possible reasons we have not knocked each other's blocks off... well..... not so far...and some possible explanations for our continuing success at staying HAPPILY married and being able to know and hear one another.

1. We both love and follow Jesus. 
Being His follower in deed as well as word requires something foundational to succeeding in marriage - forgiveness.  Many married Christians try to ignore that Jesus OFTEN said that IF you want to be forgiven YOU ARE REQUIRED to forgive. Yeah... I hate it too.... I won't take up space here listing the FIFTY KAZILLION SCRIPTURES ABOUT THE ABSOLUTE NECESSITY OF FORGIVING OTHERS.I have needed my husband's forgiveness and he has needed mine.   Many times and in many situations I have not deserved his forgiveness and yet he has forgiven me.  Many times and in many situations he has not deserved my forgiveness and yet I have forgiven him. Why? Because neither one of us has deserved the forgiveness of God but have gladly, with joy and thanksgiving, RECEIVED IT.  And... our LORD, Jesus, instructs us to forgive as we have been forgiven. To love as we have been loved.  And so, because we love Him.. we obey Him.  And because we love Him, we love one another.   Ultimately it is submitting to our LORD.. (yes.. LORD.. as in RULER of OUR LIVES)... that has won the battles between us.

2. We don't expect to agree.
Lots of couples confuse the term "getting along" with "always agreeing with one another."  Where did we get the idea that if two people don't agree about something they cease to get along? 

Sometimes Mr. Older and I do not agree about something.  Somehow God helps us shake it off.... and keep getting along.  When couples are young and stubborn we don't truly understand the damage all those daily skirmishes are doing:  To our marriage. To our children. To our family. To our witness.

I have learned to get along with Mr. Older even when he is utterly and stubbornly wrong...uhhhh...we don't agree. 

If you want to get your own way all the time.. please do the world a favor - DON'T GET MARRIED.  Please.  It will save so much heartbreak. It will save so many children so much sadness.

NOTE:  I want to say that if someone is ABUSING you - especially physically - I am NOT telling you to put up with it and just forgive... get help.. call your pastor.... get OUT.

I truly get that some Mrs. Youngers reading this are married to men who insist and demand their own way ALL THE TIME.. and there is no way to compromise or reason with him. 
He is an alien... speaking in a language you cannot decipher and looking at you as if you are an alien when you speak... Which brings me to the most important secret to being able to hear, deal with and understand that "alien" you are living with:

3. Pray.
I'm not talking about praying "GET HIM GOD!" prayers about your husband. I'm talking about prayers of humility before God which say, "Please help me see the truth, Lord, about my heart and his heart;" and "Please don't let my anger get so embedded inside that I have given satan, the father of all lies, a foothold;" and "Please speak to my husband, Lord because he isn't listening to me;" and "Please have mercy on two stubborn people." 

Please remember that a STRONGLY HELD OPINION IS NOT THE SAME THING AS TRUTH. 

Your opinion of Mr. Older is not TRUTH....it is your opinion. 

Statements like: "He will never change!" or "He doesn't care about me" or "He is lazy (or stubborn, angry, selfish, stupid....etc.) is YOUR OPINION about your husband.
ONLY GOD CAN SEE HIS HEART.
ONLY GOD CAN CHANGE HIS HEART.
ONLY THE HOLY SPIRIT can speak truth to a wife's heart.
ONLY THE HOLY SPIRIT can speak truth to a husband's heart.,

IF YOU WANT TRUTH ABOUT HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR HUSBAND WHO SEEMS LIKE HE IS LIVING ON ANOTHER PLANET.. YOU ARE GOING TO NEED THE HOLY SPIRIT AND PRAYER.

Sometimes we don't want to pray because we are afraid to hear that AGGRAVATING WORD, that ANNOYING WHISPER...."Forgive." 

The Lord knows how difficult it is to forgive.
Especially as people are banging nails in to His hands and feet and nailing Him to a Cross... AFTER.. beating Him mercilessly,
I mean, HE KNOWS how CRUEL people can be to other people.
Still... He forgives.

This is getting long. So I will end for now.  

XO...
Email me at:
awordtothewives@gmail.com




Thursday, November 8, 2018

WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LIVES ON ANOTHER PLANET - PART TWO

In my last blog I promised to give you some ways to communicate with your husband when it feels like he is living on another planet...

I would like to tell you something that may surprise you:

I get emails from some of your husbands (shhhhhhh... I promised him I would not  tell)... and..sometimes he feels the same way about you...that you aren't really interested or listening...when he tries to speak to you. 

WHAT?  Yes.. Yup.. Uh-huh.  He does.

So then let me give you some advice.. which is free.. which you don't have to follow... which you have the right to reject and criticize.... and which I offer only because I am tired of seeing marriages get stale and cold and the people in those marriages getting the same way.  

1. Visit his planet every now and then. 

You can spend all your time talking about how he doesn't understand you, how he doesn't listen to you and..how he isn't interested in anything you say... and you might be 100% correct. 

So let me ask you: How's that working for you?   Is it causing him to reveal the deep and hidden secrets of his heart to you? Is he spending time at night asking you to tell him every single detail of your day - including every feeling you felt? Does he trust you enough to be honest with you when he is struggling with something?  Does he seem to listen better when you tell him over and over that he isn't listening?
Yeah, I didn't think so. 
Nagging a man makes him shut up and shut down.  Still - most of us are convinced it will help even though it never does.

Proverbs 14:1 says, "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers down."  I truly grasp how challenging it is to be a wife and mom and working mother and daughter in this current season of the planet. I understand how exhausted you are (and so does Jesus, by the way.. read Matthew 11:28-30.. which I think of as Jesus saying, "Wanted: Exhausted Women)... 

But being a husband and father and employee or employer and son isn't exactly a walk in the park for the modern man.  It can be terrifying to have to figure out a way to provide for a family.. even when Mrs. Younger is working.. And the competitiveness of our society can steal the soul of a man right out from under him... Planet Earth can be a scary place for Mr. Younger...and he isn't going to whine.. and complain.. but.. maybe some days HE needs someone to lean on.. ????  (BTW.. Matthew 11:28-30 has a corresponding title, "Wanted: Exhausted Men). 

IMHO - a wise woman understands that understanding her husband will help to explain why he sometimes doesn't understand her.  

A wise woman doesn't scold her husband for liking things she has no interest in, but does her best to see if it might be something she could be interested in also.
A wise woman doesn't berate a husband who is not succeeding.. but does what she can to be his "help."
A wise woman uses her hands to build her husband, her marriage and her home.. and does not... with a snarky attitude and mouth tear down the very marriage she claims she is wanting to save.

Dear Mrs. Younger.. you will not DIE if you simply visit HIS world every now and then.  If you do, you will hear his language and learn to speak it. 

PLEASE.. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.. AS YOU READ THIS.. TRY TO KEEP YOURSELF FROM ASKING.. "But what about me? Why doesn't he learn to visit MY world and speak MY language????"  

It's one blog..
Take a deep breath.
I will get to you.
For now,
for one day, 
for ten minutes...
consider..
just consider...

visiting your husband's world. 

Today listen to him....instead of being offended that he isn't listening to you.
TRY.
IT.
Trust me.
TRY IT.

Please leave your comments.. see below.. you may post anonymously..  or email me at:


XO,
Mrs. Older






 


Saturday, October 27, 2018

WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LIVES ON ANOTHER PLANET


I have just discovered that the blogger platform is sending out OLD blogs from Mrs. Older... and I am taking that as a sign from God that I have been away from my Mrs. Younger's for too long.  If any of you are still out there... HELLO AGAIN.  IF YOU ARE STILL OUT THERE... take the time to write a comment below...???? thanks.

Today I would like to write to those of you who have discovered the unfortunate reality that you have been  - all the years of your marriage - married to a being from another planet.  He lives on earth, looks like a human and acts like a human - except for those unfortunate days when the curtain opens and you seen him for who and what he really is - an alien.  A creature you will never understand. Someone who nods "Uh-Huh" when you speak and  
uses the same two non-words ("Uh-Huh") when he answers you.  

Marriage experts always say the same thing about communication in marriage - it's important.  

What they don't tell you is how to speak to an alien so that he understands and how to hear an alien so that you understand. 

Mrs. Older is not trying to convince you she is an expert at marriage.. 
But...I have come to understand "The Language of the Alien Man."  
This advice does not apply to every man.  This advice may apply to some men some of the time.  Some men all of the time..well.. o.k... here goes.

Here's what I have observed... 

1. He isn't really listening. On his planet, men are not taught to care that your sister's husband's sister's friend's cousin gave you a really dirty look at lunch earlier today... or that your boss suddenly seems to prefer "Jennifer" over you because you just have a "feeling" that she does... or that you aren't sure you look good in the new jeans you bought last week because a woman at church was kinda looking at you like you looked fat in them.  Don't equate the level of his attentiveness to the level of his love for you.  This is a mistake many women make.  They assume that because they want to talk, Mr. Husband should WANT to listen.  Sometimes he listens.. but most of the time..he is probably thinking.. "Why is she telling me this?"  That would be his second question because his first question is.. instinctively....

2. "What can I do to fix this?"  On his planet, a husband's role (yes, it's archaic to many women nowadays) but on his planet a husband wants to make things right for his wife. To fix the problem.  He is a conqueror in his heart. He wants to be her hero.  To make life good for her.  When he realizes that most of the time you are talking to him about stuff he has no control to change.. he zones out.  (See #1).

3. He doesn't really get you.  He doesn't.  He wants to. He tries to.  Just as he thinks he is making you happy - you tell him that you aren't.  Just as he thinks that taking you out for dinner is what you want to do - you decide staying home and watching a Hallmark movie is a better idea.  All within eighty-seven seconds.  One minute you are happy, the next minute you are crying. One second you tell him he's your hero, the next second he feels like a criminal.  He has decided that YOU are the alien living on another planet... but is smart enough to know he should NEVER say so.

The solution?

Next blog.

Please take the time to sign up to receive this blog.. if you want to.
And if you would leave a comment... that would be great also.

XO,
Mrs. Older




 

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

MARRIAGE WARS -SIMPLE SECRETS #6

I know from years of experience of dealing with married couples that what I am about to write is going to get you very annoyed at me. I'm going to say it anyway. Why? I love you and I'm not skeered.

In my last blog I talked about Distraction.  

THE PURPOSE OF DISTRACTION is to cause us to focus on something other than what WE SHOULD BE FOCUSED ON. It's a very effective, and often unnoticed weapon being used against us and our marriages. 

Today, I WOULD LIKE TO BRING YOUR ATTENTION TO A DISTRACTION THAT MAY BE CAUSING SOME CRACKS IN THE FOUNDATION OF YOUR MARRIAGE. Ready?  Here goes:
YOUR CHILDREN.

Are you still there?  Still reading? 

Yes. I said, "Your children" can become a great distraction in the relationship between you and your husband.   O.K. take a breath!

God certainly says that children are a blessing. I am a mom. I am a grandmother. I love those kids!  Adore them. God says they are a heritage of the Lord.  He says that parents should spend their time teaching their children and raising them the ways of the Lord. Raise them up to love and serve God.  He clearly instructs that one of the primary purposes of marriage is children. Children. Children. 

CHILDREN ARE A GOOD, GOOD THING AND A BLESSING FROM GOD.

BUT....if you are SO FOCUSED ON YOUR CHILDREN, IF 
WHAT THE CHILDREN WANT, WHAT THE CHILDREN NEED, WHAT THE CHILDREN DESIRE BECOMES YOUR PRIMARY FOCUS... SO..THAT YOU HARDLY LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER ANYMORE.. YOU ARE BEING DISTRACTED. 

I don't see anywhere in Scripture where God says that marriages should be so child-focused that the husband/wife relationship is ignored and neglected.  Do you? No. you don't because it isn't there. 

I am discussing this because it is something that comes up time after time when a couple finds themselves growing apart.  I see it over, and over, and over and over and..... well.. you get it.  

I have heard so many others warning a husband and wife that someday the children will grow up and leave home and if you don't work on YOUR relationship you will find yourself living with someone who has become a stranger.  

Well I guess that's true, but more than that... as your children are growing up in your home, it is YOUR EXAMPLE they are going to follow.  They are watching the way you do marriage.

YOU ARE HARMING YOUR CHILDREN AND THEIR FUTURE FAMILY IF YOU HAVE SET AN EXAMPLE FOR THEM THAT children run the home and not the parents!

Your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren will be out of balance for decades to come... 

From the Mr. and Mrs. Younger's that I have dealt with, it is usually Mrs. Younger who creates this unbalance in the home and marriage.  

Her priority becomes the comfort and care of the children - more than her husband.  Understand me, there is a season when the children NEED to be the priority. 

But for some Mrs. Younger's that season NEVER ENDS. 

She expects her husband to put the comfort and care of the children first - all the time, every day, day in and day out, month after month, year after year.

IF HE DOESN'T, THERE IS _ _ _ _ TO PAY.

It takes a real woman to figure out how to know when she is a wife first and a mother second.

MOM... 
It takes a heart yielded to the Holy Spirit to know when Mr. Older needs the respect and attention of his wife, more than the children need the fussing and caring of their mom.

OVER THE YEARS, many times, I have gently tried to get so many Mrs. Youngers to notice what is obvious to me:  Mr. Older is getting tired of spending every minute of his life catering to the kids.  They ignored me.  They shouldn't have.

NO CHILD HAS EVER SUFFERED PERMANENT EMOTIONAL DAMAGE because Mom and Dad went out on a date night instead of taking the family to the ice skating rink or a kid's movie.


Sometimes.. be a couple again.
Your children need to see you being a couple.
Your children need to see the example that the reason they ARE a family is because two people fell in love.


I pray today that you will be, at the very least, open to re-examining the possibility that you have allowed your home to be so child-focused that it is robbing your marriage.

Feel free to leave your comments.

XO
Mrs. Older






Saturday, February 10, 2018

MARRIAGE WARS - SIMPLE SECRETS #5

In every war, there is an enemy.  With every enemy, there are tactics used to defeat you.  

"Marriage Wars" is no different.  In every war, there are opposing sides. There are weapons used. There are standoffs, and battles, and wounds, and deeper wounds and in many cases, FATAL WOUNDS.   As we discussed in Simple Secrets #1 - Marriage Wars was never God's intention when He CREATED MARRIAGE.  He never intended for a marriage to be a war zone.  A bad marriage is NEVER God's idea.  

Since God created marriage, and since a bad marriage is never God's idea...

Who do you think is the ENEMY in your marriage?  Your husband?  NAH.  He's just a pawn in the Big Battle For The Souls of Humanity, just like you are.  No.  Your enemy, the one creeping around in your thoughts, your ego and your marriage is SATAN.  The one who creates chaos and confusion and division is satan.  Now, if you think I am the kind of woman who doesn't take responsibility for her own flaws and failures by saying "the devil made me do it" every time I make a mistake.. you would be making a mistake thinking that about Mrs. Older.  Most of the time we are selfish and self-centered and our actions and decisions come from selfish hearts that want our own way all the time... (you know it's true).

On the other hand (there is always the "other" hand) don't be foolish enough to think that your marriage, your husband, your children and your family are not in the cross hairs of the target practice of Hell.  I don't want you to  be ignorant of the fact that satan hates God, hates God's children, hates marriage, hates everything and everyone.  He. Hates. You.  
He wants to utterly and completely destroy you in the cruelest way possible.

No need to fear him.  Greater is HE that is in you.. and God has already defeated him.. so.. take a deep breath and relax.  This isn't about being afraid.  This is about being armed and ready and capturing and holding on to the VICTORY THAT JESUS HAS ALREADY WON FOR YOU.

For the next few blogs I would like to make you aware of some of his tactics so that you might recognize them.. and when you do.. you will stop letting him use them..against you, your marriage, your children and your life.

A subtle - and very effective - tactic is DISTRACTION.   Being distracted.  The purest definition of distraction is that you are SUPPOSED to be looking somewhere and something has caused you to look somewhere else.

For example.. we are all aware of the damage that is being caused by DISTRACTED DRIVERS.   They are SUPPOSED to be looking at the road, and instead they are looking at their cell phones.  Texting. Playing games. Whatever.  They are NOT LOOKING where they SHOULD BE looking. Are they evil, stupid, ignorant, hateful people? No. They are distracted.  Does their distraction cause damage to others?  It does.  Are you and your husband evil, stupid, ignorant hateful people because your marriage has become a war zone? No.  You've been distracted. And your distraction is causing damage to others and yourselves.

Distraction will cause you to  look at your husband's flaws. To get you to focus on how he has disappointed you or hurt you. Or to get your focus on  how OTHER husbands treat their wives better than your husband treats you.  You might be distracted by what your family does not have, what your husband has not supplied for you.  You might be distracted replaying hurtful things he has said in the past.

Today..notice how many times you are distracted by these thoughts. 

And then... stay tuned because the next blog will give you the cure for distraction. 
What 
Should
You
Be 
Focused 
On?

In closing, I just want to thank you for signing up to receive this blog.  

There are 980,324,690,128,002,401,422 blogs out there and I am honored that you have chosen mine to willingly receive. 
(You can sign up to receive it in the upper right corner)

I love you.
Mrs. Older

Saturday, December 30, 2017

MARRIAGE WARS - SIMPLE SECRETS #4

Considering this series of blogs is called "Simple Secrets" I should put a disclaimer here by saying: This is not really a secret.  And it isn't really simple.  

HERE IT IS:

You are going to have to forgive whatever hurt your husband has inflicted on you... and you are going to have to ask God to heal you of that inner anger and rage. 


THE REALITY OF THIS IS THAT:
This is not fair. 
This is not easy.  

I'm not going to subject you to paragraph after paragraph about the teachings of Jesus - that IF YOU WANT TO BE FORGIVEN - you must forgive.

However, dear sweet, wounded Mrs. Younger, whatever the reason for your anger....when and if you allow it to stay there.. when and if you feel justified in not forgiving... when a root of bitterness takes hold of you... THEN.. the anger is as sinful as what ever caused it to be there.   

I am a debater.  I like to prove my point.  I like things to be fair.  I don't like it when Mr. Older doesn't see my side of an argument, or my side of anything.  One day, as a young bride, I understood that if I want to please God, if I want His presence in my life, my home and my marriage, I can NEVER JUSTIFY ANGER.  I fought this idea for many years.  And then, in obedience to God, I asked Him to help me to stop justifying myself before Him and JUST OBEY.

You may be 100% accurate when you remind whoever will listen (including yourself and God) that what he did.. or did not do.. or said.. or did not say.. IS CERTAINLY SOMETHING ANY WOMAN WOULD BE ANGRY AT.

Your anger - resting and living and making a home inside you - is wrong before your Holy Father God. 

When we do not forgive, we GIVE a mighty foothold to satan.
So many of us do not understand that the reason we are easy prey to the devices of the enemy of our souls is that we are JUSTIFYING our anger.  

But the anger.  The anger. It will kill you sweet faced woman of God. I've heard so many people remind us that forgiving others is freeing ourselves.  That when we allow what someone has done to us to produce anger and unforgiveness inside, we are the prisoner and forgiveness will set us free.

So, o.k., I agree with that statement, but let me add another one:  Holding on to anger DISPLEASES GOD.  Don't get rid of anger ONLY to feel better. Get rid of anger because GOD DEMANDS IT.  

No amount of what he did, no amount of debating, no amount of explaining our side is going to change God's mind.

BUT THEN... your husband just gets off the hook?  For what he did to you? Well, whoever told you that you were the one to put him ON the hook?  He doesn't answer to you. He answers to God.  

Here's how you do it.  Here's how you set yourself free:

"Father, you see what's been done to me. I am angry about it. I have felt justified in being angry.  Now, I see that anger, in and of itself,displeases You. I want to please You. I do not want to forgive. But the anger is wrong. Even if I was wronged.  Take the anger away. I give it to you. Heal me of this inner anger, Father, by the power of your Holy Spirit." 

PRAY IT.  KEEP PRAYING IT.  KEEP WANTING THE ANGER GONE.  No matter what your husband does or is doing. 
And one day, you will find that it is.

And your husband?
God will deal with your husband.

(BTW... this applies to every single person who has ever hurt you at all, ever, in all your lifetime.  You cannot justify keeping the anger when God is so willing to heal you of it.)


THE ONLY HEART THAT YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOURS.
THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE IT IS THE HOLY SPIRIT. 

The End.
I love you.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

MARRIAGE WARS - SIMPLE SECRETS #3

In this thing called "marriage" you must hide this secret in your heart, dear Mrs. Younger: You are not alone.  You are not hidden from God's sight.  He is big enough to care about the smallest things.  GOD HAS NOT ABANDONED YOU. 

Your husband may not care about the way his angry words have cut you to your heart - BUT GOD DOES. Your husband may not want to hear what you are afraid of - BUT GOES DOES. Your husband may not think it's a big deal that he doesn't really provide for your family - BUT GOD DOES. Your husband may not understand how vital it is for a wife to be loved and cherished by her husband - BUT GOD DOES.  Your husband may not put any importance on being the spiritual leader in your home - BUT GOD DOES.

It's not a secret that God's plan for marriage was not what we are witnessing in our society today. 

So let me say this to those of you who are bitterly disappointed in the way your marriage is:  Don't let the disappointment in your husband cause a root of bitterness to take hold in your heart.  If you do, it will cause much destruction. All around you. To the people around you. (Hebrews 12:15).  Go to God and ask Him to let His Spirit protect you from a human reaction and to give you the grace to put your heart in the hands of the God who loves you.

Speaking of being bitter, Colossians 3:19 reads: "Husbands, love your wives and be not bitter against them."  LOVE your wives.. and be NOT BITTER. 
It means to NOT be "irritated", "exasperated" to a point of grieving. It means to be so annoyed at your wife that you grieve the relationship.  You become sorry in your heart that you married her?  Maybe?

I hear from so many Mrs. Younger's whose Christian, church-going 

husbands do not have the slightest reverence for God to CARE that He cares about the way a husband is doing his marriage.  

At the root of all marriage problems is one (or two) people who do not fear or respect what GOD thinks, a person or persons who do NOT walk every day in the wisdom of accepting that God is watching.  Every. Single. Thing.  Every attitude. Every word. Every unkindness.  Every love-less action.

1 Peter 3:7 means what it obviously seems to mean:

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."

"Considerate" means "knowledge".  It means KNOW your wife as you LIVE with your wife.  Do you wonder why she acts the way she acts?  That is not a good indication that your wife is wacky or insane.  That's a good indication that you don't know her. YOU are the one God calls to KNOW her. Not her girlfriends, her mother, or your kids.  How can you know her?  Ask the Lord to reveal her heart to you - AND - ask HER to tell you what is in her heart. That might require you to put down your cell phone, turn off the football game and actually ASK AND THEN ACTUALLY LISTEN.

"Respect" means "honor" and value.  Value her.  Be proud of her.  This may make my feminist readers angry, but women are not as strong physically as a man is.  A good man will honor this, not make fun of it or berate it.  A woman has emotions that sometimes rule our brain cells.  Our emotions make our thoughts rise and fall. Understand this.  Don't make fun of it.

"Fellow Heirs" - yes.. yes.. yes.. in the Kingdom of God, she is your equal. She is an heir of everything God wants to give to you.  She is not weaker when it comes to the Spirit of God. She is equal.  Make sure you make sure that you make a way for HER spiritual life to PROSPER.  Make sure you understand that you are BOTH children of God.  You cannot just live your life and let your wife figure out how to follow Jesus. YOU HAVE TO LEAD YOUR FAMILY.  YUP. YOU.

Well, o.k. some husband are ho-humming all these words.. but here's the kicker.. guys..

God expects YOU to do these things so that 

NOTHING WILL HINDER YOUR PRAYERS.


We are all so slow to understand that just because WE IGNORE what God expects.. and we "seem" to get away with it.. doesn't mean God doesn't mean what He allowed to be written in His Word.

Men, is is possible that the reason your plans get frustrated, the reason you don't seem to have any power when you pray is DIRECTLY RELATED TO THE WAY YOU TREAT YOUR WIFE? (UHHHHhhhhh.. yes.)

Mrs. Younger, speak to God about your husband. Don't complain... don't pray, "GOD GET HIM!" prayers.  But pour out your frustration and pain.

Just because your husband doesn't care about being what God requires doesn't mean God doesn't care.

SECRET: God will honor your faith... God will deliver you.. God will change who needs to be changed.
You can trust God.   
God will never disappoint you - even when your husband does.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

MARRIAGE WARS - SIMPLE SECRETS #2

I must admit that when we were first married, my world revolved around Mr. Older and making him happy. I was a teenager and a bride. No, I wasn't pregnant - we planned our wedding for a year - so we would be married before he left for his military duty. It was during the Vietnam War.  People our age were dying all around us.  We wanted to be married before he left.  
My goal was to please him. 
Whatever he wanted was what I did.  You may be asking, "So what's your point, Mrs. Older? Isn't that what a wife is supposed to do?" Well, yes.. but also no. It isn't what I was doing, but why I was doing it.

SIMPLE SECRET:  IF YOUR GOAL IN LIFE IS TO PLEASE ANOTHER PERSON - even if that person is your husband - YOU WILL LIVE A FRUSTRATED LIFE. 

Truth is that life was great for Mr. Older.  Who wouldn't want to live with a person whose only goal in life is to get your approval?  Mr. Older is a wonderful, godly, kind and giving.... man.  He's just a man. My focus was off.  My approval seeking was off.  My life rose and fell on my husband's happiness with me.  He wasn't trying to be the center of my life.  I MADE HIM the center of my life.

"So.. then.. wait a second, Mrs.Older.  Are you advocating that women's lib, feminist stuff here?"....

HAHAHAHAhahahahaha.. (I am old. I don't type LOL.. I type "hahahahahaha").

So here's what changed.  This verse:  "Carefully determine what pleases the Lord."  (Ephesians 5:10) 

A wife, a woman, a child of God should spend her time meditating on determining WHAT PLEASES THE LORD.  Which means, the Lord can be pleased by our actions and decisions.  When, as a wife, I spend time determining what pleases the LORD about being a wife, then I am still doing much of the same stuff I did... but... I don't really rise and fall on whether or not my husband acknowledges my pleasing him or not... AS LONG AS I HAVE PLEASED MY FATHER IN HEAVEN.  This takes a great deal of pressure OFF my wonderful husband because he doesn't have to deal with a wife who is happy when he is happy, and not happy if he doesn't tell me how happy he is with me.  I mean, really, Mrs. Youngers, this is a great deal of pressure on that man you married. 

PLEASING GOD.. when my desire is to PLEASE GOD... and I AM HIDDEN IN CHRIST... HE IS PLEASED WITH ME because He is pleased with JESUS.

So then, if Mr. Older is pleased in the process of me living to please GOD... good for him.. and good for me.

and this verse:  Everything you say and everything you do should be done for Jesus your Lord. And in all you do, give thanks to God the Father through Jesus.  (Colossians 3:17)

Everything I do in my marriage I am DOING FOR JESUS MY LORD.  FOR JESUS.

Are you doing the things you are doing, Mrs. Younger, to please Jesus? Or to please your husband?  

Your husband will be pleased sometimes and not be pleased other times. WHO WANTS TO LIVE LIFE THAT WAY?  NOT ME.

Now.. please.. sweet Mrs. Younger.. focus and understand what I am actually saying to you: 

IF YOU LIVE TO PLEASE AND GAIN THE APPROVAL OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.. YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER BE SATISFIED or happy.  

You will NEVER please your husband, or your children, or your family, or your church ENOUGH to fill that longing inside you to be approved of and accepted.

ONLY GOD CAN GIVE YOU THAT APPROVAL YOU SEEK.  ONLY. GOD.

The Apostle Paul said: 

"I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant." (Galatians 1:10) (Boy, that last verse could be an entire sermon about those politician pastors who do what they think will make the people like them.... but that's for another blog on another day.)

IF YOUR GOAL IS TO PLEASE GOD - YOU WILL PLEASE YOUR HUSBAND.

ASSUMING YOUR HUSBAND IS A MAN WHOSE GOAL IS TO PLEASE GOD.

Which brings me to my next blog.. about husbands whose prayers are hindered because of the way they treat their wives... and the wives who have to live with those kind of husbands.

Mrs. Older loves you.
Thank you for the EMAILS YOU ARE SENDING ME. 

I also want to mention that you may sign up to receive this by email.  Upper right corner of the page.

XO,
Mrs. Older


(If this is the first blog in this series that you've read, scroll down to read the ones that came before.. if you want to.. only if you want to.. Mrs. Older can be bossy at times.. right? Right.)


Saturday, December 9, 2017

MARRIAGE WARS - SIMPLE SECRETS #1

I thought of titling this: "TWO IDIOTS SHARE THE AMAZING MIRACLE OF STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED FOR FORTY-EIGHT YEARS"... but...it was too long.   

This week, Mr. Older and I will celebrate our 48th Wedding Anniversary. If you add the three years we dated from the time we were in eleventh grade, we have been together 51 years. I am sixty-five years old. He's taken up the majority of my existence on this planet - and I have taken up his.  We grew up together, sorta. 

I think people assume that when two people have been married almost FIVE DECADES and seem happy to BE married, they must have some mysterious secrets the rest of the world does not have or know.  Or they must be wonderfully loving and perfect people. The truth is just the opposite: we have discovered that the secrets to success in marriage are rooted in such simplicity that we often overlook them.  In the next few blogs I will be sharing some simple secrets we have uncovered through trial and error.. (mostly error).

Before I begin... let me just give HONOR TO THE LORD and acknowledge that if it were not for the fact that Mr. Older and I LOVE GOD more than we love each other - and - that God has swept in and had MERCY on us... and helped us overcome HUGE mistakes, I would not be writing about being married for 48 years. But we'll get to that in another blog:


Secret #1- YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT YOU 

The root of all disagreement is that the other person IS NOT AGREEING WITH US.  If the other person AGREED with us we would not be DIS-AGREEING.  The only person on earth who will always agree with you is YOU and you cannot marry yourself.  Therefore, as long as you are married to a completely DIFFERENT human being, you cannot expect to always agree on everything all the time.  This is reality.  One of the bitter roots of our FALLEN NATURE...something we have inherited as a result of being sinful and flesh-controlled rather than Spirit-controlled is that we have adopted the false and evil belief 

that other people should want what we want, do what we do and like what we like. 

WHERE DID WE GET THAT IDEA? 
(Hint:  The pit of Hell?)

Are you presently harboring a grudge against your husband? Your wife?  When ever I find myself annoyed at Mr. Older, I stop and think about the situation.. and before long I remember that the root of my anger is that I have decided that whenever he doesn't want what I want..

HE IS WRONG AND I AM RIGHT.  
YUP. HE'S WRONG. I'M RIGHT. THE END.

Where did I get this idea that I get to be annoyed at my husband just because he doesn't agree with me?
(HINT:  The pit of Hell?)
SECRET #2 - He isn't evil - he is a man.

There isn't anything MORE OPPOSITE on earth than a man is from a woman. Another reality. Men don't think like women think and we don't think like men think.  Don't assign evil and ulterior motives when your husband (OR WIFE) doesn't agree with you. He is just being human.. like you are.  He sincerely believes that the way he thinks the two of you should discipline the children, or spend your extra cash, or spend time with his family, or don't spend time with yours, or have the friends he has... is an opinion he is entitled to have.  And.. He is.. entitled to have a different opinion about every subject.  It's called.. HE IS NOT YOU. HE IS HUMAN.  HE IS MALE.  HE IS OPPOSITE. Lighten up. 

SECRET #3 -  Spend LESS time trying to change his mind, and MORE time trying to change yours.

Marriage is not an Olympic sport where you have to WIN every argument.  You will NOT DIE if you stop trying to be right......and start trying to be reasonable.  Instead of being blind with rage... why don't you ask the Lord to help you see his (HER) side? 
SEEING HIS SIDE OF THE DISCUSSION is not going to kill you, or cause you to have huge warts on your face, or make you look fat. It is simply allowing your heart to TRY and see his side. Sometimes, after doing this, I have come to the conclusion that.. Mr. Older continues to have the WRONG opinion about something.. but.. at least I understand what his opinion is and why he has it.  And once I acknowledge his right to NOT THINK LIKE ME.. I am less grouchy and angry.  There is nothing in all the Bible that says we WILL always agree, or we MUST always agree... It talks about how we will be angry.. but don't sin. Don't let anger take ROOT in your heart.  It talks about submitting to one another.. it talks about LETTING SOMEONE ELSE HAVE THEIR WAY.. consciously.. making the decision to LAY DOWN your rights in a discussion and...

SECRET #4- SURRENDER  

Without an adversary, there cannot be a war.  There is something so foreign to us in our natural flesh about just giving in, just letting someone else have their way.  Because... 

Marriage Wars are always about WHO IS IN CONTROL.  

CONTROL IS NOT SUBMISSION. 
CONTROL IS DEMANDING SUBMISSION.
ONLY GOD HAS A RIGHT TO DEMAND SUBMISSION.
AND EVEN HE WAITS UNTIL WE WILLINGLY DO SO. 

SURRENDER requires acknowledging that GOD IS IN CONTROL.  Your husband thinks he should control you? How funny and sad that he believes he can compete with God for control of what happens to His daughter?  You think you can control your husband??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It's hilarious when we say things like, "I have given God control"
AS IF.. WE WERE EVER IN CONTROL OF IT.

YOU MAY PROTEST about Mr. Younger- "He gets his way all the time!" 

And your point is? What? That you think YOU SHOULD GET YOUR WAY more often? 
It's about WHO is in control when it comes to marriage:  God, you, or your husband.
GOD. IS. ALWAYS. IN. CONTROL.
SOMETIMES WE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT.
AND SOMETIMES WE ARE IDIOTS 
JUST SURRENDER. 

Plead your case before your Father in heaven,and ask Him to give you HIS HEART.
Let Him deal with the foolish man who thinks he is allowed to be a selfish husband. 

Marriage Wars was never the plan God had and has for marriage.
















Wednesday, December 6, 2017

MOM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING?

Lately, her two sons, James and John, had become a big deal. People were talking about Jesus because He was doing these miracles.  He was someone who spoke with authority.  He wasn't afraid of the religious leaders or the Roman soldiers occupying Israel.  And her two sons - her boys, James and John, were one of His twelve disciples.  Boy, was she proud of her boys. Everyone, including maybe even James and John, assumed that Jesus was sent by God to deliver His chosen people from those Roman soldiers occupying their land.

She wanted the best for her sons, and one day she approached Jesus, kneeled down respectfully in front of Him and said she had a favor to ask. (Matthew 20:20).  He was willing to listen to her request.  She asked Him to let her two sons sit on each side of His throne when He set up His kingdom. His response to her was SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS ASKING FOR HER TWO BOYS.  "Are you able to drink the cup of suffering I am about to drink?" (Matthew 20:22).  They all agreed they were able.  They were not.

Jesus asks every mom the same question:  "Do you understand..truly understand.. what it means to follow Me? Do you understand that My Kingdom is not of this world?  Do you understand that to be great in My Kingdom, your child (and you) must be willing to become the servant of everyone?"

Do you tell your children the truth? About My Kingdom?

The mother who asked Jesus to make her children GREAT didn't realize He was going to give her what she asked for.  She also didn't comprehend what it was going to cost.

Mom, when you tell your child to follow Jesus, make sure you explain that it's the best decision they will ever make.. but sometimes the best is not always the easiest.  It will cost everything...but it's worth everything to be forgiven and live forever. 

God gave His Child so that your child could be saved.

God blesses His children. God comforts His children. God protects His children. God honors His children. God loves His children.
But it wasn't easy for us to be reconciled to our Father.
And it wasn't cheap.  

When we encourage our children to follow Jesus, we are leading them in to a path of being hated and rejected by the world, of learning to lay down our lives for others, of giving all  to God and His will and His purposes.  Just like Jesus said, "I have come to do the will of Him who sent me"... that's how our child will live his/her life... to do the will of God.  And that's how we will live.
It's the only decision that matters.
It's the only thing that matters... 

but..

Be sure, Mom, that you count the cost of being a follower of Jesus. And be sure you explain the cost to your kid.

"Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—  just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  (Matthew 20:26-28)