Thursday, January 16, 2014


I know it seems obvious and insulting to remind a wife that her husband is not, uh, like, her girlfriend... It is not my intention to insult anyone. I am blessed to have four or five women who would walk through hell and high water with me and for me.  I love them like sisters. Having a GOOD FRIEND to share your heart with is God's way of helping women to get through the joys of marriage and motherhood.  

Some wives get confused and think that a husband should be like a girlfriend. This is (IN MY NOT-SO-HUMBLE OPINION)  one of the elementary mistakes a wife makes that causes her to tear down her home with her own hands.  A girlfriend instinctively understands that the reason you are telling her about the difficult co-worker, or your in-laws, feeling old, looking fat, balancing the JUST BECAUSE you want to tell someone.  This is a good reason.  To a woman.

But a husband?  A husband is trying to understand WHAT YOU WANT HIM TO DO about WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT.   (Most husbands.)

So, for example, if you say something like, "Susie at work is getting on my last nerve !" your husband's  INITIAL THOUGHTS ARE... "What can I do about this? How can I fix this? I need to protect her from Susie.  What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?"

This, in theory, is all well and good to have a husband who wants to be your hero and protector.   However... just like the boy who cried "wolf" too many times... the MORE a husband realizes there is nothing he can do about what you are talking about... the LESS likely he is to really listen.   As time passes, this becomes obvious to the wife who is offended by his lack of interest... and then she gets all huffy and puffy and pouty.  And the tearing down begins.  And satan smiles in the bowels of hell to think he is helping another marriage to fail.  In the meantime, your husband has tuned you out - not because he doesn't love you but because most of the stuff you tell him doesn't have a thing that he can do about it.

Men don't NEED TO TALK like women do.  Listen to men speak.  Do you hear them speaking to one another about things like a difficult co-worker, their in-laws, feeling old, looking fat... etc?  Most of the time... they talk about what they did.  A fishing trip, hunting trip, fixing the car, watching a game...

So then I will give you some advice.  Take it. Or leave it.  But it's good advice.


A man is looking for the solution. So as you speak he is "speed-hearing".  Similar to speed-reading, this means he is hearing only every third or fourth word because he is waiting to JUMP IN TO ACTION.   So your spoken sentence: "I am really, really getting frustrated over the fact that you are always watching football every Saturday and all day Sunday"  reaches your husband's ears as:  "Really, the fact always football all day Sunday."  This confuses him, "What did she say?  I should watch football all day Sunday?"

If you say, "You and I never have any time alone anymore'" the speed-hearing husband hears: "I never alone time" so he leaves the room to give you some space.  

The key is to give the poor guy something he can DO.  He is not your girlfriend who understands that talking IS the end.. and not the MEANS to an end.

So rather than saying, "The girl at work is driving me crazy."
"I need your advice about what you would do about this difficult co-worker."
And then you get to tell him the same thing you would have, but now he knows what HE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

If you say,
"I don't feel like you love me anymore" this is a non-action sentence because he cannot show you his heart... which... honestly... DOES loves you... but you need to give him some action options.
So.. say something like:
"When you used to take me out on date nights... it made me feel so loved.  Can we do that again?" or  "Would you please just hug and kiss me more?  Like you used to?"  or " I need someone to listen to me because I'm so frustrated about my job? Do you have time to just listen to me?"
"When you watch football games all day Saturday, I feel really lonely.  

ACTION CHOICE #1 - Would you mind explaining it to me, so I can watch it with you?"
ACTION CHOICE #2 - Could we set Saturday mornings aside as "US" time."
ACTION CHOICE #3 - Would you please shoot the TV?" (only kidding..)

Don't say:

"We've grown apart" but say "We used to go to the gym together.  Let's do that again."

I am not a man.  But trust me... most husbands will agree with MOST of what I've said.

Because a woman who asks the Holy Spirit for wisdom...

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Mrs. Older


  1. I am a husband. This is the most honest and helpful advice for wives. I am afraid to ask my wife to read it but will do so nonetheless. Thank you again, Mrs. Older. You get it.

  2. Wow.. thanks for posting Mr. Husband. Did she read it? What did she think?

  3. I appreciate this and yet I am frustrated. God made men...well, men( and thank goodness) BUT he also made women, women. Every book and blog I read( in my quest to become a better wife) is all about suppressing/sacrificing who I am for the sake of who HE is. While I do not want to be selfish, I wonder what about me? (Okay, that admittedly was selfish.) Topics I have read lately...If a husband won't lead it is not really his is because his wife won't yield. Men are built for sex...we have to forsake our verbal/emotional needs for the sake of his physical needs. Your man doesn't like to talk? Then stop talking, or change the way you talk so that it is not overwhelming for him. Don't even think about trying to teach your husband God's Word...even if he is weaker in faith. Just STOP TALKING and show your faith to him with your actions.( Thank you very much 1 Peter 3:1) He was created first and I was created for him and not him for me...I get it. But my honest prayer to God today was "Lord, it is not easy to be a girl." The bottom line is that I need to trust God and submit to my husband. I am trying but I have the constant fear of losing myself, not being valued and never being truly heard. None of this takes away from the truth of your article at all. I am just in this rut right now. I have a stack of 13 books of what I need to do as a wife with the Bible on would be so much easier if I saw m husband ( who really is a GOOD man) pick up a book titled " A husband's responsibility to God and his wife" ...or something to that effect :-)

    1. Ahhh Sweet Shauna.... I feel your pain. I really do. And I understand it also. And, honestly, I think I've thought every thought you posted. The frustrations you are feeling.... I believe that are SO natural and SO honest. Because the frustrations you feel were NEVER God's idea when He created us. They are a result of The Fall. Genesis 3:16 says, "Then he said to the woman,

      “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy,
      and in pain you will give birth.
      And you will desire to control your husband,
      but he will rule over you."

      Yes... it's true it isn't easy to be a Girl. It isn't easy to be a girl who is a leader, or who is intelligent, or who knows the Word more than her husband does. But... who said it should be EASY? God never did. He said He would be with us.

      So then having said that... my article was simply to explain HOW MEN HEAR rather than telling you to change the way you speak in an effort to ACCOMMODATE your husband. When you have a 2 year old and you want to explain to him that the stove will hurt him, you wouldn't waste time explaining the properties of heat, and how it affects bare skin. You wouldn't explain burns. You just say, "NO. HOT!".... you are changing yourself for the 2 year old. You are speaking to the 2 year old in a way that will be understood.

      In the same way, men ARE wired differently. Oppositely. Why? God created us that way.
      So IF you want to speak so that your husband hears.... get to the point. Tell him how you feel and what HE CAN DO ABOUT IT. That's the point.

      On the other hand, if a woman's husband doesn't CARE about pleasing his wife, that's not something a wife can do anything about.. except to PRAY.

      I agree also.. that MEN ARE NOT BEING TAUGHT about how important it is TO GOD about the way he treats his wife. I covered it a little bit in my posts called "Crash Landing Husbands". Shauna, this blog is a word to the WIVES... but.. I DO GET you frustrations.

      My advice to you is to put the 13 books somewhere.. and get to them in at a later time.
      I will tell you the truth...
      Will He change your husband?
      I don't know.
      But He will take care of you.
      He cannot ignore prayers that come from the heart......crying to Him for help.
      PUT THE BOOKS AWAY and talk to your Creator.
      i love you
      Mrs. Older

      So then, the other thing is that God created you and when your marriage is making you feel like you are LOSING YOURSELF..... that's not what God intended either.

    2. God has a plan for Shauna. Submit to Him and He will accomplish it.