Thursday, May 30, 2013


I have been writing about Jesus advice that in order to feel the love you felt at first you need to DO THE THINGS YOU DID AT FIRST.  He is referring, of course, to our love for HIM.. but.. the principle applies to any love that has grown cold. of the things "you did at first"  was to  to allow the guy to have some free time.  And I used the word ALLOW on purpose because that word - and the attitude behind it - is the root issue for many girlfriends who eventually become wives.... and it's a problem issue. 
TRUTH WE WIVES OFTEN FORGET: Everyone's day and the time in it BELONGS TO GOD - including your husband and his time.  

When you were first dating and he said, "I'm playing  basketball with my friends tonight"... you did NOT say, "OH, NO YOU ARE NOT playing basketball with your friends tonight!"   No, you smiled and realized you are not The Time Warden.   The LORD Jesus... is the LORD of Time.  Including your husband's time. You are living way above your pay grade if you think you have greater dibs on your husband's time than God does. 

I see far too many younger wives - overwhelmed with childcare, working, outside commitments, church volunteering - who assume their husbands are, in reality, Co-Wives, sent by God to help HER meet HER goals.  (You know it's true)  

And I do empathize, sympathize and realize that "at first" you did not have kids, mortgages and grown up commitments.  You say, "Things are different now, and he needs to grow up and focus on family."  True.  HOWEVER..... a home should be a home, and not feel like a prison cell to a man. Men are wired by God to love ADVENTURE and CONQUERING the unconquerable. It's a wise woman who understands this.  A man is not a woman. Thank God for all women out there.

"Mrs. Older, are you telling me that he gets to have NO responsibility around the house? He gets to just go have fun while I'm always stuck at home with the laundry and the kids?"  

Honey, sweetie, lovely girl who became a wife - you KNOW I am NOT saying that.  

I'm talking to the wife who uses the children like a terrorist uses a pipe bomb - always reminding the poor guy that these are his kids too and they'll be scarred forever if he doesn't dote on them all the time.

I'm talking to the wife who assumes that whatever she wants to do he should WANT to do. 

I'm talking to the wife - who takes the kids to her husband's place of business and sits in his office with them for hours every day. (Yes.. he got fired) 
I'm talking to the wife who acts like her husband has committed adultery because he wants to go to a sporting event every couple of years with the guys he works with. 

I'm talking to the wife who expects her husband to never fish, or hunt, or bowl, or kayak, or play basketball again because if he wants to it means he doesn't love her.  (Grow up, girl !)

I'm talking to the wife who never thinks it's EVER o.k. for her husband to do ANY THING without her.. EVER.. 

It's to those wives... I say...

Open the prison door.  Why?  It's human nature to resent the warden.  Be a wife, not his warden.
Let him and God decide what he wants to do with some of his time sometimes.  

Jesus - the only PERFECT MAN  - needed to be by Himself from time to time. 

Early on, when I was a young wife, I made a promise to myself that whenever my husband said something like, "I was thinking of going fishing.. Do you mind".. I always said "Sure. Go." 
Why? Because that's where he WANTED to be anyway.  He wanted to go fishing.  Right? Right.
What would I gain by whining, crying, forcing him to be with me?
It's better to have him spend ten minutes with me because he wants to
Than five hours with me because I forced him to.   
That's what I thought. That's what I practiced.
One night, he was going fishing. I said, "O.K. Have fun!"
And ten minutes later, he was home.
"I realized I'd rather be here with you..." he said.
 And I said, "How about I go with you?"
We did.
I caught more fish than he did.
The End.

Leave your comments.
Sign up to receive this via email.
Mrs. Older


  1. This is so husband has told me that the less I whine about him being gone (and he's gone a lot for work-related stuff, especially in the evenings and on weekends because he's a realtor), the more he wants to be here. The more I tell him to stay away (or at least don't complain about it), the more he wants to be with me! So backwards. :)

    1. Yes... I have found the same thing to be true. Thanks for posting AND I have saved your email like a page from the Bible... and I will try to figure out how to do the stuff you suggested. Thanks again.

  2. This is so hard to find the right balance. I definitely think your post was more than fair. With that being said, last year I had to ask my husband to quit going to his weekly men's group. I had just had a baby and was recovering from 3 different infections. But I was supposed to let him go right? I mean good wives do that. The problem was though I COULDN'T handle three children melting down at bedtime, I was depressed and physically incapable. We both know this season will pass but this is where we are right now, him being gone when we're putting the kids to bed is just too hard unless it's a rare occasion. After 7:30 though he can do whatever he wants :) And that's the blessing of early bedtimes.

    1. Well, it isn't a matter of "SUPPOSED TO" because every situation is different. I think it was fair of you to ask him to give you extra help for a season and I think it's wonderful that he was willing to do it. Of course, if there is someone around - a family member or a friend - who might be willing to help out now and then so that he doesn't lose the fellowship of his Christian brothers......that would be an option from time to time. And yes.. early bedtimes are a blessing. Sometimes, when it's just impossible to have or afford a date night... those few hours alone are priceless. Thanks for posting a comment. XO

    2. And ALSO... I pray that you get some time to YOURSELF from time to time. Does anyone around you help you get away for a breather?

    3. Yes, there are plenty of people to give me breathers :) Including my husband. Honestly once my health returned my depressed moods diapered, they were definitely tied. It was a tough season, but definitely just a season. Unfortunately shortly after my husband stopped attending his men's group the remaining guys all got irritated with each other and they no longer meet :( It's funny I asked my husband last night if he felt trapped in our home, and he told me no, but he did choose that moment to tell me about pick-up games of softball he wants to play this summer. I told him to have fun.