Here's what she said:
"The truth.
He feels used. Trapped. He says he married me because its what he thought was expected of him by his family. He's angry that he didn't get a chance to sow his oats-he point blank said he wants an open marriage. He wants to have sex with others, says he won't divorce me because he made a commitment. A divorce would be like admitting he was wrong, it would be like losing. He thought that after several years of marriage he could tell me about his need to be with other women and I would agree because I should want him to be happy. That truth? What am I supposed to do with it?"
The first thing I noticed about her comments is that he is blaming his family and their "expectations" of him. As a mom myself, I cannot imagine my son coming to me after dating a girl for a long time - and everyone sorta assuming they would get married - and saying to me, "Mom, I don't really feel like this girl I've been dating all these years is the right one for me" and then his dad and I forcing him to marry her. If this guy was asking for MY advice, I'd have him go back to that so called "truth". And advise him to ask himself if what he thinks his family expected is reality. Sometimes kids ASSUME they cannot talk to their parents.. ASSUME something of their parents. He may ASSUME he was expected to marry this girl. And even IF this is the truth.. then.. the problem is not with his role as a husband but his role as a son. He may need to revisit that.. with his pastor... or a Godly older man... or maybe? his parents? Even if his parents WERE pressuring him to marry.. he didn't have to do it. If his parents had even the slightest bit of love for their son, they would have supported his decision to walk away from this woman. HE made the decision. It was not made FOR him. So the first problem this guy has is that he doesn't own his own decisions.
The second thing I notice is that he is angry that he didn't get a chance to "sow his oats".. which I assume is another way of saying... "SIN". I would guess his family was the kind of family who also frowned on fornication. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry but any sex outside of marriage is sin. I know that no one really cares about that anymore... well... no one except for God. Maybe he got married because he wanted to have sex.....???
The third thing is that he uses the word "used". And I wonder why he would use that word? What is it about his wife, his marriage that would cause him to use the word "USED"? And maybe it is he who used her... used her... and then wanted to move on to another.
The fourth thing is that he is not concerned at all about what God wants. Let's face it, every man on earth would be thrilled if God's law said, "Just be with as many women as you possibly can be and don't worry about it." But God's law doesn't say that. Does it? No, it does not. This man's reasoning is skewered. He is thinking like an animal and not a man.
The fifth thing is that HIS HAPPINESS seems to be the only thing that matters, and that he thinks his wife should overlook infidelity if it makes HIM happy. I mean, seriously?
The six thing is that not only is HIS happiness the ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO HIM, but he is also so filled with AN EVIL PRIDE... SO THAT a divorce is out of the question and NOT because it would destroy a family, wound the woman he married and scar his children... but.. it would mean that everyone would know he MADE A MISTAKE? Have you EVER heard of such PRIDE??????
To answer the question this woman posed -
"That truth? What am I supposed to do with it?"
I would say that the FIRST THING to do is to bring it to GOD. I would say, talk to God and tell him that you don't know what to do with this HORRIBLE truth about the state of your marriage. God is waiting to comfort you and show mercy. He doesn't instantly "FIX" things.. but He does instantly come to our rescue.
The second thing I would ask about is your husband's and your relationship with God.
Only JESUS can open that door. Only Jesus can heal the hurt. I don't know if you are Christians.. or not... Well let me rephrase that.. your husband cannot be a REAL follower of Jesus and then want to do the things you say he wants to do.
Thirdly.. I would say that what her husband is offering is NOT a marriage... and that she might want to consider other options. I would advise her to speak to her pastor.. or find a Godly older couple who might help them.
Finally, I would ask her to email me "awordtothewives@gmail.com"
so that I can try to find a Godly pastor in her area who might be willing to walk with the family.
The marriage is a sham.
The husband does not want to be a husband.
God needs to intervene.
He is the only hope.
Dear READERS...IF YOU CAN OFFER ADDITIONAL WORDS OF WISDOM OR COMFORT - PLEASE.. TAKE THE TIME TO LEAVE YOUR COMMENTS.. Click on "comments"... BELOW
Thanks,
Mrs. Older
He needs Jesus. They need Jesus. Their problems go deeper than what she is saying. He needs to be honest with himself before he decides to be honest with his wife. What he wants is so childish. I will pray for this family.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lucy. You are correct.
DeleteHe's a brat. Get rid of him.
ReplyDeleteIf you can take the wife's side as 100% true then this situation is so sad and seemingly hopeless. If you think there are always two sides to the story and there is enough blame to go around, then the wife's story is suspiciously inaccurate. In either instance the only one who can sort all this out is God. If he directs them to a godly counselor maybe there is hope for this marriage. If not..then there is a waste of at least two lives, not counting children that may have been born in this "union", if you can call it that.
ReplyDeleteI agree. And it doesn't matter who is telling the whole truth...or not... but... they need God.
DeleteDear lady, please know that your husband's issues are not your fault. I have no doubt that you have made mistakes, but his feelings and his sin are his to own and deal with. DO NOT TRY TO FIX THIS! The only feelings you can affect are your own. Seek God's direction for yourself and trust Him enough to follow. Pray for your husband diligently, but leave the changing to God. You can not be thin enough, submissive enough, or attractive enough to change his heart, but you can own your own feelings and weaknesses. Let God work on your heart at His pace and trust His direction. Biblically,you are not called to stay with a man who is unfaithful. Divorce may be an option here. But don't jump until you've sought God over it. You are loved and valued more than you could ever know by your Creator. If your husband's opinion of you differs from God's, he is wrong. Believe what God says about you because it is the truth.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your wisdom. I pray that she has a pastor... a true shepherd of a man who will give her the counsel she needs. I am praying for her. I don't know her name but God does. "Father, turn Your face toward this woman whose husband's words are crushing. You, Father, are the God of all comfort. Comfort her. Lead her. Jesus came.. to heal the brokenhearted. Begin today a HEALING in her. In the AUTHORITY that JESUS has GIVEN us we pray... Amen"
DeleteDear Anonymous.
If you are reading these... please let us know how we can help you further.
Dear God. Help her.
ReplyDeleteGod is real. And He will hear her if she turns to Him for help. I am praying that she emails me. If not, God knows who she is and He is hearing all the prayers so many of you are lifting to Him on her behalf today.
DeleteI would say it depends. In the case of two Christians, I can not find any circumstance where the Word of God permits a wife to divorce her husband. Separate, maybe...divorce, not that I have seen.I would tell her though my heart breaks for her...to be patient. While she is waiting on God and sowing in tears...she may look to work on herself. Grow in grace and Godliness. After long seasons of battling with God over his refusal to change my husband, I began to examine myself by the scriptures. I found I had plenty to work on. I had found peace in putting my focus on changing myself. When I was waiting on God to change my husband, there was no peace...only sorrow, pride and bitterness. I still have sorrow now to be sure, but it is a sorrow full of hope if that makes any sense. I have seen the Lord do amazing things in my husband since I stopped trying to steer the ship. In the case of 1 unbelieving spouse( in this case, the husband), divorce may be an option. I would recommend reading the whole chapter but I will highlight a part now.1 Corinthians 7:13 If any Christian woman is married to a man who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to live with her, she should not divorce her husband. 14 Actually, the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and an unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise, their children would be unacceptable to God, but now they are acceptable to him. 15 But if the unbelieving partners leave, let them go. Under these circumstances a Christian man or Christian woman is NOT bound by a marriage vow. God has called you to live in peace. You are in my prayers sweet sister.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your Godly wisdom sweet Shauna
DeleteShauna, I am not sure, but doesn't scripture give an option for divorce being that of adultery or infidelity? I will need to research that one? First, if the husband is not a believer than we need to pray for his salvation. If he is a believer and is not where he should be with the Lord than we need to pray that God convicts and puts people in his path to bring this conviction. God designed marriage and blessed it so that a man and women would leave their mother and father and cleave to each other - not to multiple partners! He does not know what true marriage is about; nor does he know what true love is about. Maybe this man does not love himself or God and his harboring bitterness and resentment; as well as past regrets and mistakes; which all add up to disaster! Satan is trying to destroy marriages and we need to pray for every marriage that God would be the center; and if one should stray that conviction be brought upon the one that has strayed. Only God can heal this marriage if He is allowed to be part of it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments.
DeleteHi. I am unaware of any instance where a woman is mentioned as being able to divorce her husband in scripture... With the exception of 1 Corinthians 7:15 (concerning an unbelieving spouse who WANTS to leave). It may be there, I just do not recall coming across it. With a Christian spouse, no matter how weak...I am with you. Every attempt needs to be made to restore such a one. I also agree that praying for this marriage can only help this couple, no matter what the situation. If I were face to face with this woman, having coffee..and she were a Christian and her husband was not...I would advise her to let her husband know what scripture says. She may wish to speak her heart and tell him although she is deeply wounded her desire is to work through this BUT that if he WANTS to leave, she will not stop him. If he is a Christian, the conversation would need to much different. This is the danger in being unequally yoked. I am not judging, I myself choose it. My husband has since become a Christian but it has been a long walk. I hope I did not offend you. I was merely sharing my understanding. Be well sister in Christ.
ReplyDeleteShauna,
DeleteYour comments were and ARE loving and filled with concern for the woman. No apology necessary. Most of the comments are filled with sincere prayers and compassion for this woman. Thank you sweet readers.
(Also those of you who commented privately via email)
I have not heard back from the woman who posted the original comment so I don't know if her husband claims to be A Christian or not... or if she herself is a Christian.
From her original comments it appears that he is telling her he wants to STAY married so as to not appear to have made a mistake by marrying her.. He doesn't want people to know he made a mistake.
It seems he wants to keep the facade of a marriage but continue to commit adultery. He calls it an "open marriage" God calls it adultery.
I am praying for her. She is in a very difficult place..but so was Jesus. He endured every difficult situation and He has compassion on this woman... and also this SAD and MISGUIDED husband.
Thank you all for all your prayers and comments. This is a very sad and sin filled situation.
God is able to restore this marriage.
However.. it will take the intervention of The Holy Spirit and TWO WILLING spouses.