She wrote me in response to my request for in-law issues. I'm going to say her name is "Lilly." She says, "I find that one of the hardest things is finding balance in my relationships with my in-laws. So often, I just want to crawl in a hole and avoid them, but I know that is not how Christ would have me act toward them. Four of (my husband's) siblings and his parents live in or around the town we live in. Each one has birthday parties, graduation parties, etc. There are 11 (!) nieces and nephews, although we have no children of our own. Of course, there are also mothers/fathers days and parents birthdays. My questions is: how do we balance how much time we spend with them without offending. Everyone assumes THEIR party is the most important, but if we went to them all, we would be with them 30 weekends out of the year. My husband doesn't want to hurt his siblings' feelings, but it gets to be too much. If we don't go, we feel guilt (false guilt sometimes, but still). I would love to hear your take on this.
This wife is dealing with FAMILY TRADITION! TRADITIONS. In many cases... the In-Law Issue rears its ugly head when one tradition comes face-to-face with another tradition. This young couple is growing weary of spending more than HALF their weekends each year celebrating someone's event.
So today... I will ask you:
What would YOUR advice be to "Lilly"? How would YOU deal with it?
You can post a comment below (anonymously if you choose) and/or you can send me an email at:
awordtothewives@gmail.com
I have more to say tomorrow.. and of course.. this should be a "fun" series of blogs... wouldn't you say?
XOXO,
Mrs. Older
UPDATE: There's lots of good comments below... plus.."Lilly" responds. Read the comments.. and leave your own.
Goodness, the timing of this is no coincidence. My daughter called yesterday to say that they will not be making the five hour drive to our home for Christmas this year. They want to be at home with their two children. She said I was invited to be there, but they would not be here. I hung up the phone and have not spoken to her since yesterday morning. What should I do?
ReplyDeleteIs she your only daughter, or do you have other children coming to your house as well? We have been blessed by my parents coming to us for Christmas. They come to my in-laws for Christmas Eve and then we have a low key/offbeat Christmas day together. Last year we made chili for Christmas dinner. They have been a great blessing to us - giving us the freedom to celebrate as we see fit and joyfully joining us when they are able. Because of that freedom, we are more able to visit freely during the rest of the year when we can relax and not worry about "obligation."
DeleteShe is my only daughter. I have two sons, one is older and married with three children and lives 30 minutes away and one is younger and still in college and living at home. My daughter and her husband moved away three years ago, and have always been with us for Christmas since they moved. His parents live here in our town also. I just feel sad thinking that one of my children and two of my grandchildren will not be home for Christmas. She has invited us to their home, but then I will be leaving my other son and daughter in law and 3 grandchildren. I'm just sad about it. I called my daughter and apologized and explained that I will miss her, that's all.
DeleteWe will be talking about the issue of holiday traditions. What do you think you should do?
ReplyDeleteIn answer to Lily's problem I would suggest that her husband be the one who speaks to his family and tells his family that he would like to have more time at home on the weekends. Send a gift. Stay home and do not feel guilty. My husband's family had a Sunday football game waching tradition that drove me crazy. It was a huge issue with my mother-in-law. I finaly told my husband that I refused to force my children to fall asleep on her living room floor when they had school on Monday morning. We argued about it for ten years. One day my husband told his parents we wouldn't be there for Sunday football anymore and everyone got over it quickly.So I would say that she should ask her husband to tell his parents.
ReplyDeleteLilly, Don't go when you don't feel like going. If anyone asks why you aren't there just say that your schedule wouldn't permit it. Enjoy your day.
ReplyDeleteYou are a great communicator. Tell Lilly that the problem will be solved when her husband stops caring about his family being offended. He needs to grow up and do what is best for his more important family which includes him and his wife.
ReplyDeleteWait, this is "Lilly" and I want to defend my husband. We BOTH struggle with this. He isn't forcing me to go. We both struggle with the guilt and expectations.
DeleteYes.. readers.. take it easy on Lilly. I don't see that she said he wasn't WILLING to speak up.. just that they both wanted to do it in a way that wouldn't offend others. That's a good thing.. yes? Ys. Are there any wives out there who have handled this issue in a Godly way?
DeleteSorry Lilly. My husband was NOT willing to speak to his family and I guess I assumed she was dealing with the same scene at her home.
ReplyDeleteThat's ok. I know what it's like to answer from my hurt too. No worries! :-)
DeleteI think Lilly seems like a caring person. How old are Lilly and her husband?
ReplyDeleteI don't know.
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